The beginning

This is not the first time I have tried to have a blog. I am hoping however, that it will be the last. Either because I give up on the idea for good or because I make this one work. Life is different this time around, so I hope that blogging will be different too. Here is what I like when I am reading a blog:

1.) Picture heavy, word light
2.) Singular focus
3.) Multiple time a day posting
4.) Good writing
5.) Humor

I will try to make my blog something that I would want to read. But, I do need to make it something I would want to write too. I tend to be wordy, chaotic and lazy so the first three items will be a challenge for me. The last two shouldn't be too bad. I (almost) have a journalism minor so I think I am a decent writer and I have a natural sarcasm that some read as humor so I should be okay on the humor front as well.

My main goal is to make people want to read this because I think what I am going through is something a lot of other people are going through but it is hard to find something to read on the subject from a personal stand point. I struggle with an anxiety disorder and I am working through it one day at a time. I had been trying to deal with things on my own for 15 years and then I turned 30. I couldn't take it any longer and I felt about 100 years old. I was exhausted. I needed to take control of my life because I knew that if I had to live another 50 years or more like that, I was never going to make it. Something about turning 30 make me think that it was finally time to admit that I needed someone or something to help me feel better. I had NO IDEA what I should do. Counseling? Meds? Both? I didn't know but I knew that I had a long way to go. I was ready to do the work though. I called my insurance to see what was covered and was soon on medication prescribed by a psychiatric nurse practitioner and started going to a counselor. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I do not have OCD in the way so many people think of it. I don't wash my hands until they are raw or have other traditional checking rituals. I do have obsessive racing thoughts and I have panic attacks on the regular. About 1 year ago, I started with a new counselor. She is my savior. My first counselor and I didn't click and after a few months we had to "break-up". My new counselor and I are a good match and she has helped me immensely. But, none of this is really what I wanted to talk about.

What I did want this blog to be about is where I am today. Which is, I in the beginning of learning to live my life now that I am feeling better. I have worked my way out of utter chaos and while I may still have bad days, I am mucher calmer than I was a few years ago. In two weeks, I will 32. It has taken me two years but I am finally feeling like this is what it feels like to be me--the me I was hoping to be when I grew up. Like so many other things, keeping the anxiety at bay takes work. I have come up with a variety of ways to help myself feel good. Exersize, diet, yoga and writing are just a few ways that I have learned to control what used to control me. Now, I am tapering off my medications, only going to counselor once a month and I feel pretty good. Most days are calm and good. Some days are better than others. Now it's all about maintaining what I have worked on for the past two years.

This blog will be my journal of how I keep maintaining what I have worked so hard for. Of how I work on a daily basis to move from chaos to calm

Loves....M